Dealing with the death of a loved one
Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience that most people find overwhelming the first time. Although grief is a natural process of human life, most of us are not inherently able to manage it alone. At the same time, others are often unable to provide aid or insight because of discomfort with the situation and the desire to avoid making things worse.The following passage explains how some of our “normal” assumptions about grief may make it more difficult to deal with.
Five Assumptions That May Complicate Grief
- Life prepares us for loss. More is learned about loss through experience than through preparation. Living may not provide preparation for survival. Handling grief resulting from the death of a loved one is a process that takes hard work.The fortunate experience of a happy life may not have built a complete foundation for handling loss. Healing is built through perseverance, support and understanding.The bereaved need others —Find others who are empathetic.
- Family and friends will understand. If a spouse dies children lose a parent, a sibling loses a sibling, a parent loses a child and a friend loses a friend. Only one loses a spouse. Each response is different according to the relationship. Family and friends may not be capable of understanding each other thoroughly. Consider the story of Job’s grief in the Bible. Job’s wife did not understand his grief. His friends did their best work the first week when they just sat and did not speak. It was when they began to share their judgments of Job and his life that they complicated Job’s grief. Allowance must be made so that grief may be experienced and processed over time. The bereaved need others — Find others who are accepting.
- The bereaved should be finished with their grief within one year or something is wrong. During the first year, the bereaved will experience one of everything for the first time alone — anniversaries, birthdays, occasions, etc.Therefore grief will last for at least one year. The cliche,“the healing hands of time,” does not go far enough to explain what must take place.The key to handling grief is in what work is done over time. It takes time and work to decide what to do and where to go with the new and changed life that is left behind. The bereaved need others — find others who are patient.
- Along with the end of grief ’s pain comes the end of the memories. At times, the bereaved may embrace the pain of grief believing it is all they have left.The lingering close bond to the deceased is sometimes thought to maintain the memories while, in fact, just the opposite is true. In learning to let go and live a new and changed life memories tend to come back more clearly. Growth and healing comes in learning to enjoy memories.The bereaved need others: Find new friends and interests.
- The bereaved should grieve alone. After the funeral service is over the bereaved may find themselves alone.They may feel as though they are going crazy, painfully uncertain in their world of thoughts and emotions.The bereaved begin to feel normal again when the experience is shared with others who have lost a loved one.Then, in reaching out, the focus of life becomes for-ward.The bereaved need others: Find others who are experienced.
Provided courtesy of Jack Redden, CCE, M.A., and John Redden, M.S., grief counselors in Memphis,Tennessee, Memphis,Tennessee. Call Oak Grove Cemetery for contact information.
Shattering Eight Myths About Grief
In order to effectively cope with loss, and to help others who are struggling, it is important to get past some of the common misconceptions about grief. The grieving process is a series of ups and downs, and often it’s more intense in the early years. The thing that we need to remember is that you never have to like a loss. You just have to learn to accept it and deal with it.”
A more accurate understanding of the way grief affects us can facilitate healing.
Myth 1: We only grieve deaths. Reality: We grieve all losses.
Myth 2: Only family members grieve. Reality: All who are attached grieve.
Myth 3: Grief is an emotional reaction. Reality: Grief is manifested in many ways.
Myth 4:Individuals should leave grieving at home. Reality: We cannot control where we grieve.
Myth 5: We slowly and predictably recover from grief. Reality: Grief is an uneven process, a roller coaster with no timeline.
Myth 6: Grieving means letting go of the person who died. Reality: We never fully detach from those who have died.
Myth 7: Grief finally ends. Reality: Over time most people learn to live with loss.
Myth 8: Grievers are best left alone. Reality: Grievers need opportunities to share their memories and grief, and to receive support.
Reprinted with permission from the Hospice Foundation of America.